30 June 2020

 I suggested that a friend do some writing, even going so far as suggesting a 2-4 page autobiography of things you'd like people to know about you.

I remember having to do a similar exercise , when studying ASL; although that one focused a lot more on family history and family genealogy.

Still, now the bug's in my brain, to try to write a little autobiography. Something that talks a bit more about my interests than what one would find in a resume or curricula vitae.

Yet, I am pretty tired tonight, so I'll probably come back to this, in the future.

30 June 2020

 30 June 2020 - Three present-day gratitudes:

1) I started a project with my damaged posters, to try to remove the damage. These are mostly relics from when I worked a poster sale in '92, and got paid in posters. Over the years, they and some of my other possessions have been slowly dispersing across the houses I've lived in. I'm glad that I finally started the repairs, as I've been thinking about it for months now.

2) On a related note, I began looking into more professional development workshops at ACC. Part of it is because the 4 mandatory trainings need to be renewed by the end of the summer. However, I'm also glad that I have options to stay productive when students appear to be avoiding the new online tutoring format.

3) I tried some of the homemade pickles today, and they're getting pretty spicy. On a lark, I also tried some pickles with peanut butter - it's interesting. I don't know if I'd rush out to do it again. In some ways, I think I'm getting bored with my food at home.

30 June 2019

 Finished "The Cigar Who Fell in Love With the Pipe" today... an interesting graphic novel...

Watched a couple of episodes of "Burden of Truth" on the CW - seemed to capture some nuances in the character's relationships and development. I still think "The Umbrella Academy" did a nice job in this regard, too...

I made my way up to Dirty's for their 93rd anniversary festivities - but nothing seemed to be going on. The food was still a good take on burger and fries; but I was a little disappointed in the time it took to get service. Even though I wanted a shake, I decided to forgo it, as a passive protest.

There was tutoring, earlier. Got a glimpse at a business statistics class that I was not aware of, offered by ACC. There was also lots of conversations about logarithms, and a little about linear transformations.

Maybe not the most spectacular day, but I am trying to stray away from the gloomy storm cloud posts...

May you be blessed, this Sunday, and may your week be filled with productive joy....

29 June 2020

 Do I post something positive or something negative?

I wish the answer was as easy as "I'm just reflecting what I've been surrounded by", but it's not....

Sometimes, when envy and jealousy (or pride?) get their claws in me, I begin posting the opposite of what I see.

29 June 2020

29 JUNE 2020 - Three Daily Gratitudes:

0) I'm grateful that friends are willing to remind me which month it is....

1) I used to be an introvert. Yet, I find myself craving conversations now. My guess is that I like to be introduced to and surprised by viewpoints, different from my own? (Perhaps it's TV and/or movie withdrawal...)

2) I'd like to develop a lot of interests, but I also realize that I need to be good about maintaining good time management skills. (It took 14 years to get my B.S. degree, due to distractions)

3) I had a good tutoring session today, conducted through discord. One challenge of online tutoring is finding out how to format the math on the screen, so that it makes sense and/or matches standard typography....

29 June 2020

 This split off from a post, elsewhere... I don't want to debate on another person's page.

Here's the origianl question:

- Somebody calls you a "piece of sh**"

- Should you 'unfollow or unfriend them' at the point?

My argument is that you should try to make some effort to understand what provoked the comment in the beginning. Also - is it an isolated incident or is it a pattern of behavior?

Would It be different if they "attacked your person" with some other phrasing?

I know several people who use swear words all through their speech, and I know people who have very demeaning views of those different from themselves? (Like the various examples of racism cited in the Facebook feed over the last few weeks)

--------------

So, here's the question. Does a victim need to engage in conflict resolution, at all? ...or in building awareness in the attacker of their actions?

Or are the various blocking, avoidance, and exclusion tactics EFFECTIVE ways of getting an attacker to change their behavior, or of a victim becoming aware of how they are perceived by others?

I don't know all the theories around defusing bullies or abusers, but I have to wonder if separating yourself from the situation affects the abusers at all. (I'm almost thinking that "having the last word" makes them feel like they are justified, and would increase their future abuses)

It's kind of like, "If you answer dominance with submission, are you doing anything to equalize the relationship?" (or, if you prefer, if you answer aggression with passivity)

If a majority of people exclude aggressors, then maybe they might feel the pains of loneliness and reconsider their behavior. Then again, I could also see them having psychotic breaks and going on shooting sprees (because they feed off of successful dominations)

[ There could be a whole other discussion on retreat and return behaviors, like "the silent treatment" and "on-again, off-again relationships... (like, is every unfriending permanent?} ...but I just want to focus on the idea of excluding people due to their speech or actions ]

Of course, debating on social media is not a great place for the nuances of debate conversations - so, this is me, "thinking aloud"

11

29 June 2020

 The physical isolation is really starting to wear on my sanity. It may sound cliche, but I miss the hugs.

I miss a variety in conversations, informal and formal. I really miss the subtle cues in conversation, that there's a good moment to talk.

I miss exploring the neighborhoods around me, and finding new restaurants.

Someone more eloquent than I could probably flesh the absences out to a nice, meaty post - and then add that tag line we all dread: "copy and share if you agree!"

An irritation rises and falls in me - some nights I'm at peace, while others I just want to peel myself out of my skin.

My eyes and ears feel so very tired, while my skin is literally erupting as it seeks solace.

I'm glad that there's been conversations by phone, by text, by Zoom, and by social media; yet I'm sad at how empty all these electronics leave me. So many ghosts in the machine, such temporary and tenuous connections...

It's like I'm caged in a zoo, and all of you are just passing visitors - So many that I doubt i will see again. Where, oh where, are the zookeepers? Who could comfort this monkey, I?

28 June 2013

 Shoes... Glasses... Slacks... Fix my bike's flat... Renew TX DL... Dental appointment... Upgrade phone...

Just some of the things I keep having to postpone, because I keep running out of money.

I seriously considered pursuing a rehire at 7-Eleven today, as a second job because tutoring isn't panning out. However, I fear that would just eat all my time without significant financial compensation.

Grumble, grumble.. I'll get off the pity pot now.

I sincerely hope you're doing much better than I!

28 June 2019

 The general question: "Why is it difficult for me to read?"

The paths that branch out from this thought:

- What media do I like or dislike to use?

- What types of information do I want to peruse?

- What types do I NEED to peruse?

- Are there factors in my life intervening between me and "Media X", like costs in time, costs in money, or health complications?

- Am I putting too much energy into what I crave, and not enough into what can nurture me?

- Similarly, am I chasing dead end activities, like using aid programs that have very small chances of providing assistance?

I understand that this is only a partial snapshot, without lots of supporting evidence... but, it has me slightly perplexed...

28 July 2020

 28 July 2020 Gratitudes:

1) I went to 4 AA meetings online, today... I'm probably avoiding doing something else; yet they were great topics and shares!

2) I read 2 issues (26 and 27) of Grant Morrison's run of Doom Patrol. I believe it's being adapted as a series on HBO Max. It is kind of mind-melting stuff...?

3) I started up 10 text exchanges, because... I think we need more conversations, right now. Or I might just be addicted to the conversations I've already had in quarantine. Or I might just be fighting the urge to post on Facebook, instead..

27 June 2013

 When I came to Austin, to attend university, I had the major dilemma - as in, "What's my major going to be?"

Some of the ideas I tossed around:

- attending seminary, to become a priest,

- studying journalism, to continue my forays in that field

- acting, because I had done a bit of that too

- engineering, to better apply my scientific expertise (specifically chemical engineering)

What happened was that I started school as a double major in math and physics. I think I added math to meet the requirements of an Air Force ROTC scholarship, as I was more interested in science than in math...

However, after one year of school where I had a great calculus teacher and yet a poor electro-magnetics teacher, I changed to being just a math student. My later experiences with tutoring led me to consider a teaching certificate, too.

However, I was still actively engaged with the sciences, and some acting on the side, and more non-class activities. I think that because I didn't stay focused on math, I got off track, and took much longer than normal...

27 June 2013

 So, what DO I want to do with the next five years of my life?

Part of me feels a creativity void, causing me to crave making art. Whether that be drama, or writing, or graphic arts, or a mix - I'm not sure. However, looking for a creative outlet has motivated prior career searches, and yet..? Those led to admin/clerical jobs which didn't have much deviation from "filling out forms" or other mundane work.

I'd consider teaching and/or tutoring, too. I've been trying to get tutoring rolling, but there hasn't been a lot of online student leads generated from the web site I'm trying, so I probably have to rethink how I'm marketing myself. I could probably substitute teach, although I'm not sure about summer hours. Getting a certificate requires some extra education, and that, in turn, requires extra money -difficult when my student loans have gone into default.

I'm not thrilled with the wide world of retail. Honestly, I don't want to try to sell you on the linear consumer economy, where we're making stuff just to throw it away in a year or two.

I'm curious how to connect with food, a la grocers and restaurants...

Getting sleepy. Going to bed. Be back at it in 5 hours... Ciao!

27 June 2019

 I do not claim to be available 24/7. For one, I am useless without decent sleep. For another, I have obligations in the world to meet, like working for my employer(s).

I do not claim to be diligent about using every channel of communication, every minute. There are times when the phone needs to be turned off, or the world of man needs to be tuned out.

Even if you can reach me, in a spare moment, I claim very little expertise. I can not swing baseball statistics at you; and most popular culture is woefully unpopular to me. The affairs of the Far East are far from my perusal, and the actions of politicians seem so unaffected by my daily walks and talks.

Yet, I wish to be gentle; and I hope to be humble. My creative soul cringes at rampant destruction. With the various pitfalls in my past, I wish to hold the torch, so that you need not pass that way.

I would not sacrifice all, yet I am still willing to make sacrifices.

I am not at your beck and call, yet let us talk on topics, great and small...

"When joy is shared, it doubles. When misery is shared, it is halved."

27 June 2020

 3 gratitudes for 27 July 2020:

1) I had a calculus II student today, and we covered how to set-up the integrals for Areas Between Curves, and for Volumes of Revolution. It's actually one of my more favorite parts of calculus... yet I think sequences and series can be even more fun...

2) We sat down to watch Inception at the house, tonight, as it's being taken off of Netflix at the end of the month. It was really neat seeing all the wild special effects that film used, again.

3) There's still plenty of food in the kitchen, so I might be able to do a minimal trip to the store, this week. Basically, for fresh produce... Yet, there's a part of me that still wants to make a big batch of food again, so that I can use up more of the peppers that my roommate passed along to me. (They're like the peppers you see in the spicier dishes at a Chinese restaurant - a little dry, dark red, and probably 1-2 inches long)

Note: There was an online RPG that I had signed up for, which I wanted to play. Yet the combination of back aches and some anxiety all conspired against me, and I dropped out at the last minute. I imagine it would have been fun, but I really couldn't imagine sitting in the minimal chair that i use at the computer for 3 more hours, today.

26 June 2013

 What is my current goal for my life?

Trying to explore this idea right now, as it could definitely guide my career search and leisure activities for tomorrow.. And tomorrow.. And tomorrow..

A couple of days ago, I posted on Diana Treviño's post (paraphrasing):

My life's goal is to determine

How I fit into the universe

And what I can contribute to it.

---------

In hind-sight, this may be more like a starting point... Finding my edge... Determining What I can do with what I've been given thus far.

26 June 2016

 Where do I end, and the worlds begin?

is it in my nerves, or at the level of my skin?

or am I deceived in thinking I exist, separate from all, even though all builds up every bit - you know, I am but stardust or some sentient sack of water...

I don't know if I should bother spraying the ants off my bicycle that's been propped up in the dirt; as maybe a few ant bites will make me acutely aware again...

thoughts I'm having at 1:30 in the morning

26 June 2019

 I do not like the Spartan existence that I am living, right now; where I struggle form paycheck to paycheck with so little time and so little money at my disposal. Also, the isolation I seem to be in tears hard upon my heart - I often feel like people shun or ignore me.... and I do not know why that is?

Am I not playing to their cultured expectations? Do I not fit some mold they hold in their mind of how a normal person acts? (pet theories, I guess...)

I still sting at the quote in my High School Senior Yearbook: "Jody Bean begins his salutatorian address and astonishes the crowd with his wit." (Like I was cast up as some bland math and science geek until then...) [adding some pics to this, in the comments, as proof...]

At which point, I pause. "do i continue this ramble, or just slip into quiet mode, and see what develops?"

26 June 2019

So, it’s “LGBQT Pride Month”...

...and part of me wants to start an open discussion about what all that touches on in my life and behaviors; and the behaviors of those around me.

Yet, another part of me thinks that would open me up to attacks from any of a number of sexuality camps:

- “You do not understand us!”

- “Who are you to judge that behavior?!”

- “You’re mixing up sex, love, and gender!”

...etc, etc, etc...

It’s really a touchy subject, and I fear it will stay that way until we can take away the shame(s) that we track to it...

26 June 2020

 I can't muster motivation, right now.

I doubt that I can speak well, or write well, about it, either. I start thoughts, and I see them slipping into self-pity or anxiety...

Maybe, I need a focus, to bring my attention to here and now... and trust?

26 June 2020

 3 gratitudes from today:

1) it took only 15 minutes to tutor a student about pdf's and cdf's in probability. I'm glad that I don't try to stretch out tutoring to get a better paycheck, because it's never been about the financial gains.

2) Starting a conversation about "dating and sex expectations" with a friend. I think there's a lot of bad models given to us through our cultural media, and I'd like to think more about how to turn that around in myself and in others.

3) Being recognized as having a quick prepared note to add in the chat, at halftime, during an AA meeting.

25 June 2018

 "Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it often did not go far enough." (paraphrased from the Big Book of AA)

So, it often seems that I have to do everything, myself; to achieve my goals. It is hard to discern a support system, or a team working on my behalf... especially, as I do favor solitary pursuits.

Yes, part of that is my own fault; because I don't try to insert myself into others' lives, or seek their assistance with my projects.

Honestly, as long as I'm taken care of, I don't mind "being an introvert" or "keeping to myself" or whatever other way you want to label "acting independently". However, if parts of life start sliding out of my control, then I can quickly get wrecked, mentally and emotionally (and then physically)... That could be in finances (most of my adult life), or a romantic flare-up in my heart, or a change of job field, or...

I like to act solo, yet I also enjoy the company of others. With work, though, I would much rather take direction than try to forge my own path. (Remember, that I'm Myers-Briggs' INTP personality type - so I don't try to marshall people, but would rather explore a system of ideas. [tangent? ] )

I guess I just don't want to have to manage every aspect of my life. I can probably excel, quite well, by focusing a couple of areas at a time... but juggling everything, simultaneously, without anyone's assistance can just become so overwhelming and tiring (you know - so many seconds in each day)

LIke the old, "I cook, you clean the dishes" or "I'll earn the paycheck, and let you figure out how to budget it" or maybe taking turns and swapping roles... anything to share the labor among a group, so that we all benefit and gain more free time. This is why I loved co-operative student housing, to a point...

Right now, though, I do not have a clear picture of who I could share my tasks of living with. Sooo... everything ends up on my shoulders, and I collapse under the weight of 1000 straws....

There may be more that I could say or spin off from this, but I'll leave it here, and see what happens. As always, you're free to comment, and the comments will be read - I just guarantee a reply or a sudden change in my lifestyle... but I really do appreciate everyone's comments on my thoughts - even if I may be trying to argue against them (to check their soundness?)

3 Gratitudes : 25 June 2020

 3 Gratitudes from today:

1) I went to the doctor to examine some skin spots. He's referring me up to a dermatologist. I'm grateful that I'm taking action on these, instead of letting them go unnoticed.

2) Hao Hao is open for lunch, at reduced occupancy. I had the twice cooked pork, and it was very tasty.

3) Being able to work and relax at home is a luxury. Yet, I'm grateful for the people who are willing to work with the public, while taking good precautions to stay healthy. Some of the other parts of my trip involved capital metro, planet fitness, and the ups store.... I had my mask on as did all of the employees.

24 June 2017

 just going to put this out there, and see what happens...

so, my doctor wants for me to get a colonoscopy, due to recurring bloody stools (it could be hemorrhoids, or it could be more serious)

Unfortunately, my insurance company doesn't have any colon-rectal specialists included in my plan, in the Austin area. There are some in San Antonio...

As many of you are well aware, I do not have a car. I do have a driver's license...

So, I'm wondering if I should rent a car, or possibly lean on a friend, to drive me to one of the doctors that are covered by my insurance.

Anyone up for a 1-day road trip? I could cover the gas, and buy you lunch...

I don't know the exact day, yet; and would want to see if this is possible before I schedule the appointment.

24 June 2019

When I write these posts, I think that I am talking to some ambiguous, amorphous, fuzzy blob of a crowd. The faces are mostly blank, you see - like no eyes, no mouth, no nose...

I guess it would be like those moments when the actor steps into the spotlight, and starts in on some monologue; to be able to babble out a solution to a complex, pressing problem in the plot.

That's my thoughts, when dealing with my rambling posts.

Now, if I'm adding a comment to another post, then usually I have a much better picture of my target audience; and I might begin to tailor the speech to our shared experiences.

Also, if I desire to speak directly to somebody, then I will use a phone call or an email, instead - or an in-person rendezvous. I can think of 2 specific people who have gotten upset with me, in this year of 2019, who I would be willing to converse with, over the sore point(s)... Yet, I do not want to initiate those conversations - mostly because I want to work on their time scale instead of mine.

Granted, there might be many more people who've become upset over my behavior over the last few years... but I'm not drawing the connection(s) between what I did and how they've changed their interactions with me.

Part of the problem of the Facebook medium lies in "using a megaphone in a party" - we can broadcast all sorts of stuff here, yet it is very difficult to see how EVERYONE will react to those broadcasts. Yes, there are the vocal comments on the post; but there are also the silent onlookers who might choose to gossip among themselves, outside of my earshot / eyesight...

24 June 2020

 3 gratitudes from today, 24 June 2020:

1) I found the soundtrack to "Akira" (anime) and listened to it in its entirety. I did not realize how much I missed it. I now have a 50 track playlist on youtube playing, involving artist "Geinoh Yamashirogumi" to fall asleep to, tonight...

2) Even though I planned a lot of activities around the house, today; I did not accomplish more than 1/3 of them. I'm still relatively Ok with this. It reminds me not to overplan my days.

3) I'm going to attempt to fall asleep early, tonight. It's useful to find a consistent schedule, and I feel that I've been slipping on maintaining that.

(This might be me trying to spin the day as gratitudes when really it didn't feel very invigorating or joyful. Or it could be me, trying to be a cynic, refusing to recognize the small things, like seeing the wolf spider between my window panes during the noon AA meeting. My mind wants to look for extremes.

I recall that Tanya got frustrated with Neil, because he overlooked flowers. (1992) )

23 June 2011

I don't think I want to be the center of attention, as I get somewhat nervous under the spotlight...

However, I would like to be respected and remembered favorably...

...this is the conflict for me, underpinning a career teaching. Part of me thinks it could be best mediated by tutoring, or teaching small groups. (or maybe through writing instead?)

23 June 2014

 I feel like I should just resign myself to the fact that

"I will be single for most of my life."

Maybe if I flirted more, but it seems too easy for that to turn into harassment. Or maybe if I was a better reader of women's subtle signals, too.

Still, I don't think anyone's romantically attracted to me, so...

Maybe a course of action is to just become a monk.

75% of the time, I'm very content with being single. The 25%, though, just builds resentments.

23 June 2018

 Craving ease and comfort, without much concern about how it’s delivered...

Or...

Feeling so much anxiety and discomfort, and it looks insurmountable, and I want to scream a primal scream, and I wish I could just die, and I’m floored by the amount of self-harm that I would voluntarily bring into my life, and...

Everything’s not alright.

Fucking triggered by mundane shit.

Retreating under my bed covers, because I don’t want to “man up” and stoically face the world and the mess I seem to be, in it.

Although, I will try to get up, again, at 11... because work is a refuge.

So, why post on Facebook? Why, indeed?

22 June 2020 - 3 gratitudes, today:

 22 June 2020 - 3 gratitudes, today:

1) NAMI's "Stories and Strategies" reminded that big goals can be reduced to several smaller goals... and not all goals are realistic.

2) My roommate and I tried out a 2-player version of "Roll Player"... I managed to win by 1 point, yet it was quite a close game. We had a bit of fun conversation about it, as we were playing it.

3) I think I'm getting better about communicating with the outside world, without using Facebook. I personally prefer one-on-one conversations the most, or at least synchronous ones. Yet, to be realistic, one can only juggle so many conversations at the same time due to "word processing speeds"...

3 gratitudes from today, 23 June 2020:

 3 gratitudes from today, 23 June 2020:

1) I blended up some homemade salsa, and I'm amazed that it's not too spicy in it's spice level. It's a little on the sweet side, even.

2) It's nice to know that people are willing to make contact with me. It helps me feel like I'm actually part of the communities I interact with.

3) My roommate and I have been streaming the latest Dr. Who seasons, with the 13th doctor, played by Jodie Whitaker. It took a couple of episodes, yet now I'm beginning to appreciate her portrayal of the doctor.

22 June 2015

Sluggish paralysis of deepening depression...

No desire to get dressed, to make calls, to pay bills...

Or to eat, or to write poems...

I just tap away on my phone, in my bed - hoping some miracle of motivation happens

21 June 2015

 How can I tell that I may be depressed?

I feel so sluggish, I just want to stay in bed, I'm not eating a lot...

I can't find the motivation to write, to explore, to do stuff...

It's weird. It's not like I have a perfect mood meter in my brain - partly because I'm trying to take a measure of my brain with my brain. So, when I'm depressed, I'm not always in a foul mood, or wishing to die, or having a pity party - I'm just having a hard time piecing ideas together, and following through on plans. My brain is just not operating as fast as when I'm normal.

Now, when I'm manic.. whoo.. it becomes hard to stay focused on one train of thoughts, because others keep trying to jump up in their place. Also, because my brain feels so alive, I do get excited, but I also can get irritable.

At either extreme, I can easily lose focus, which can make me ineffective in getting things done. Also, the swings are not really tied to external events, like my job or my relationships or the weather - the swings just happen. Now, I do think good or bad events in my life CAN impact the severity of the swings...

In any case, I've been feeling depressed, in the bipolar fashion. I'm just not getting stuff done, because I keep feeling like I'm running out of time. I just want to stay in bed, because I feel exhausted.

21 June 2017

 So, I've been on this blood pressure medication, Amlodipine, for about a year, and my doctor tells me it can lead to swelling from water retention and "leaky blood vessels"...

I'm wondering if this could be partly responsible for a lot of skin rashes and a left arm bursitis I've had, too?

We're switching to a different blood pressure med, today, to see how that'll help...

On a tangential note, he's also thinking we need to reduce the Olanzapine dose (bipolar med), as I've been waking up groggy...

Not sure you guys needed to know all that, but sharing any way...

21 June 2018

 I feel ineffective.

The words typed here dissipate, with no echoing reply. Taking 3 minutes to speak to a room of "casual friends" - nothing gets repeated and I know not, if it even registers.

I do not trust therapists or other health professions - too many times have they seemed too busy... it's like I'm a gateway to their financial gain, and nothing more.

it feels like everyone wants me to be silent and listen, and care not for what I think. (Turn the mirror towards you, Jody - are you indicating, at all, that you mind what they say?)

(...and that post about low-maintenance friends, Tory Hargrove? Essentially, there's a danger in little to no communication, of becoming estranged. Just ask me how I sniped at my brother, a few weeks back. Or... "One of the love languages is regular time together. Do low maintenance friends honor that?")

thinking about innuendo and asides, and that practice of discussing an issue without talking directly with the people involved... not a favorite way of dealing with an issue, as it feels very passive-aggressive. but then i might be guilty of doing this, too....

some times, it feels that my only solace is in tutoring, because, at least there, the students seem to be paying attention.

No, I am not a vibrant ball of energy, so outgoing and charismatic that people want to be entertained by me. just a character actor, always pushed into this role or that, and left to cry crocodile tears that could have been painted on a mime's face.

another day, another rant, another lament?

"If I'm respectful enough to allow you to finish your monologues, then why won't you allow me the space to attempt my replies?" (this has dogged me for over 25 years)